What to do.

Hello everyone!

I am sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have been so busy with Ryder, getting ready for the new baby, and not to mention the holidays.  Today I really wanted to address something that has been incredibly bothersome to me for a while now. I need feed back and opinions. So here we go.

What makes your marriage happy and successful?

Jared and I have been battling a lot of financial stress lately, which sadly has turned our once happy and exciting relationship into a battle ground. I don't think we have gone one day with out some kind of argument. It has been eating at me for a long time. Last night I broke down on the phone to my best friend. I just started talking and all my frustration and anger came flowing out. I was hysterical when I finally got off the phone. I am scared for my marriage. I am scared of what could happen if, god forbid, It didn't work out. Where would I go? I am a grown woman with two children. It would be a huge blow to my self confidence if I had to move back home. I am scared for my relationship with my husband. He has been my best friend (male best friend) and rock for nearly ten years. When we got married we promised each other we would be that old couple from the Disney movie "UP". I am also scared for my kids. I don't want them growing up like I did, with mommy and daddy hating each other. It was a horrible feeling to have as a child. I don't know what I would do if my boys were forced into that situation. Lastly I am scared for myself. I took a huge blow emotionally when nursing school didn't work out. I felt and still feel like a huge failure. It keeps me up at night. Not only do I feel like I let myself down but also my family. I don't know how I would handle a train wrecked marriage on top of everything else. There has just been so much fighting and pointing fingers. I am at a complete loss for what to do. I hate that I feel this way, but I constantly see or hear my friends talk about something sweet there husbands did to surprise them. Like bring them home a card, flowers, or a surprise date. Well I cant even remember the last time Jared did something like that. I haven't gotten flowers from him since my first mothers day two years ago. It makes me feel so unimportant. Even after everything I do. Nothing. I don't ask my husband to do a whole lot. He works. I stay home, but that dosnt mean I don't work. I raise our kids, I do the dishes, cooking, laundry, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, vacuuming,  and organizing. With out me this house would be a disaster. But still I get no recognition for all that I do. I have been feeling so unappreciated. On my 24th birthday Jared ran to walmart grabbed me a card then at check out a 15 dollar Itunes gift card. While I was great full for the gift, I was still angry. I always do everything I can to make my husbands birthdays special. Last year I made him his favorite chocolate cake, bought a card, then we out and got him a brand new tool box filled with tons of craftsman tools and a new drill. He had no idea I had done that. He was so surprised. That is why I was so angry. I don't feel special anymore. My gift was so impersonal and required no thought at all. The year before that he didn't even bother to get me a birthday gift. Instead he told me my kitchen aid mixer that we didn't even pay for was my gift. No card, no flowers. Nothing. I hate that I feel this way. I feel so selfish even thinking like this. But it has all just piled up these last few years. One disappointing birthday, and mothers day after another. I have even talked to him about this and even cried over it. But I have gotten no where. He dosnt know how to be romantic.
                   The last thing I wanted to mention was the financial stress we have been under, and how it is affecting us. About three months ago we were forced to purchase a new AC and heater for our house. It costs us $6500 dollars and we had to take out a loan for it. So in order to pay for it I took on a job at home. Things were fine the first couple months, but then the job ended. Now I didn't have to have the job to pay for our AC it just really helped things not be so tight. Now that I am not working I have cut every last non essential thing out of the budget. I don't swipe the card but maybe twice a month now. I don't do things for myself. I sit at home and do nothing. But still we have bearly been able to make ends meet. So finally I went on the bank statements. I knew Jared had started tobacco again but I never realized home much he actually spent. There were at least two transactions a day for either coffee or tobacco on base. I was so angry because Jared and I got into a huge fight over me spending 30 dollars on my hair, when he spends hundreds a month on tobacco. So all along the problem hasn't been with me. but I still was receiving the blame for our situation. Even though i don't swipe the card. As you can tell its been a lot. I didn't write this to bash my husband. I love him with all my heart, but I am at a loss for what to do. When we talk bout this it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I dont want our marriage to end. I made a promise when we got married, and I intend to keep it. But we need help. I need advice. So please let me know what we should do. I have been on my knees praying to God to guide us in the right direction. Any and all advice would help, and most of all keep us in your prayers during this hard time.

Its that time of year!

Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a good start to this most wonderful fall season! I know I am. Its my favorite time of year. Not only is this nasty warm weather about to go away, but we have Thanksgiving and Christmas to look forward to! I cant wait. I have already dragged out my fall decor. Still needing a few pieces but the house is starting to look and smell great. Well its been a busy past few weeks. Let me tell you nothing keeps you busier than a active Seven month old. Just last week Ryder and I got back from our trip to Cape cod. It was amazing. We had drove up with my friend Samantha for her baby shower. While we were there Ryder and I visited my Uncle Brandon, Aunt Jenny and met my cousin Graceson. Graceson is only 3 months older than Ryder. So it was pretty special to spend the three days with them that I got to. While with my family we visited Ogunquit Maine. It a quaint little sea shore town. And let me tell you it was GORGEOUS! If I could I would live there. The coast was picturesque. We visited a little ocean front coffee shop. We sipped our drinks and took in the beautiful view of the ocean. After that we took a trail and walked along the rocky coast. I dont think I will ever forget that place. I was just to beautiful to describe.
            As you can tell I have been quite the busy bee. I am currently studying to get my Medical Assistants certification. My school for LPN keeps getting pushed back so I need to have a fall back if I cant go to school right away. I just cant sit at home anymore. I NEED to work. I really would like to get this last 7 lbs of baby weight off. I know if I went back to work it would come off. It always does. Another new development involves my relationship with my mother. It has always been rocky. I contribute some of that to my rebellious teenage years , but I have since then apologized to my mom for any grief I had caused her. The  rest of the issues stem from anger problem and her need to control . Back in July while visiting my dads side of the family we put Ryder down for a nap. Now he always fusses at nap time so we just let him cry it out. During the last argument with my mother she told me that Jared and I were horrible parents and making Ryder cry it out was horrible. She told me my child was miserable since he was five months old and on food. So Jared and I told her if she was not going to respect us as parents and be nice then she was not going to be a part of our lives. Now before you judge just know that our relationship has never been good. Its sad but my life has been so much easier and happier with out her in it. I wish it didnt have to be this way. But my mother is a drama magnet. She loves confrontation. And personally I just dont enjoy being upset. Here in December Jared, Ryder and I will be visiting Houston for his best friends wedding. I dont know how to handle seeing my family but not allowing my mother to be there. I know I am going to get a lot of grief for it but I have to stand my ground. My mother needs to learn that there are boundaries to her verbal Diarrhea.    ( haha I make myself giggle) Well thats just about it . Lots more to come with the holiday season right around the corner. I will try my hardest to post more. So keep a look out for Holiday photos and blogs!

A fresh start in Virginia

Good morning everyone. Its pretty early here.  I am still struggling to wake up. For some reason Ryder thinks 5am is a good time to wake up. Normally i am fighting to go back to sleep at that time since Jared gets up for work at 430am. I just hope this new schedule doesn't last long. I need more sleep.
              Here in about a month I will be starting LPN (Licensed practical nursing) school. I am so excited to get back to school. The best part is I will be doing the course with my close friend Sam! I want to get this over and done with. In 18 months time I will be making close to 30 dollars an hour! Go me! I am so proud of myself for what i have accomplished, and for what i am continuing to do. I really feel like I am beating the young mom statistic. I am furthering my education. A lot of the credit has to go to my amazing husband Jared. He has taken such good care of Ryder and I. He has always put his family before anything else. I honestly don't think I could have gotten where I am with out him. He has always been there for me. Even back in high school, Jared was my rock. If I needed someone he was always there. I love you so much sweet heart, and thank you for everything you do for us.
              Yesterday was Jared's first day back at work. I cant say I love his new job. While I love the area we now live in, I know I will be spending a lot of my time here with out him. His new job is to train boot lieutenants to shoot mortars. ( even though we all know they will never shoot one). Jared will be spending a lot of over nights and even weeks in the field. He will even be spending up to 2 weeks in California at the Mojave viper every couple months. It makes me sad knowing he will be gone so much. I hate that Ryder and his daddy will be separated. But it is his job. I just makes me all the more eager for Jared to get out of the Marine corps. The good news is I will be done with school before he gets out. This time he wont have to worry about not being able to afford everything. He will be able to get out worry free. My salary should be able to afford everything. Including the house we are planing to by next year!
                   Jared and I have decided next year we are going to buy our first home. It will be our third wedding anniversary gift to one another. We are starting to put money back for it. Even our next tax return will be put into savings for it. Jared and I looked online and we can afford to buy a home built around 2000. We found one that was 5 bedrooms 3 bath and 2700 square feet. It was built back in 2000 and was in good condition. Now I know this home will not be on the market when we are ready to buy, but it gives us a good idea of what we want and can afford.
                  Well life is changing for us. Things are just getting better and better. I know there will be struggles ahead. Nothing in life is easy, but we will make it just like we always have. The future seems so bright for us. It cant get here soon enough. Keep checking in on new updates. I will try to keep up with blogging, but no promises with nursing school starting soon. I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Your truly
Lauren

Life is changing!

Hello everyone!

Im sorry it has been so long since my last entry. I have been so busy raising my perfect little boy, that writing has been the last thing on my mind. Thank goodness I found a little time after my work out to give you an update. Things have been pretty good here.Not perfect but manageable. I never imagined how stressful life can become with a newborn, a big move, plus just the stress of adjusting to a whole new way of life can be. Jared and I have had our issues lately. Mostly just us nit picking each other. We have had shorter fuses with one another since Ryder arrived. We expect a lot from one another. Having a baby is hard, Very rewarding but in no sense easy. It will take time but I know we will get back to the way we used to be. We still love each other, and we are still the same two people who fell in love. Only difference now is, well baby makes three.
We currently only have 11 more days left in Jacksonville until we move to Virginia. Im ready for this move but a part of me is sad to leave. I have made some great memories here. It was my first home away from home. Its were Jared and I got our first place together, and where our son was born. Im sad to leave. But I do know  our new home will be even better. We will have the next 4 years there. Thats plenty of time to make new memories.  We will be moving on April 14th. Sadly we wont be in our base house for another few months. We were forced to rent another apartment. Which I was not happy about. I guess I cant complain though. Its a 1325 sq ft 3 bedroom apartment. Its a lot newer and nicer than the one we live in now. I was just so excited about the house on base. Oh well only a little while longer and we will have it. Well thats about it. Not to much has happened. I will update everyone again as soon as we get settled in our new place and our internet is back up. I hope you all have a wonderful Easter!

What a wonderful life..

Hello everyone. Its been a while since I have had the time to Blog. Life has been a little hectic as of late, being a mom has taken up all of my time. When I actually have a little spare time I need to devote the rare occasion to my husband. We have not been able to have hardly anytime together since the baby got here. I mean we are together most of the day but we are busy with Ryder.
           Things have actually been stressful lately. Ryder has become very gassy which has made him really cranky. He dose not sleep well anymore. He refuses to let us put him in his crib, and will only sleep well if we are holding him. Now I understand he was inside me for 9 months and It takes some adjusting being out in the world. Its just making things really hard. I know this is something all moms go though and I might be in the wrong for complaining about it. I just need things to wind down. I was nearly in tears this morning. I had to hand the screaming baby to Jared while I went and sat in a hot shower for about 45 minuets. I needed silence, and thank god the sound of the running water drowned everything out. I needed "me" time. I was going to lose it if I didn't get any time to myself.
             I feel guilty for being so overwhelmed. I knew what we were getting into when I got pregnant. I just thought since I had taken care of my little sister when she was an infant, that it would have better prepared me for life as a parent. I just fell like it did nothing. He screams and cries and I have no clue what is wrong with him. He has been fed, burped, changed, and given gas medicine but he still screams. I cant wait for this phase to be over.It will be so much better once we are moved and he has his own room. I think that might be part of the problem is that Jared and I have no space that is just our own. It will be nice once Ryder has an actual nursery. I think it will cut down my irritability as well. I have really had to bite my tongue the last few day. Jared dosnt deserve to be snapped at. He has done nothing wrong. He is just as new to this parenting thing as I am. I just need to breath. Right now im feeding Ryder but I have my ipod plugged into my head to drown out any background noise. Its helping. Well I have to get back to my motherly duties. Have a wonderful weekend.

Lauren

Update on Ryder!

Hello everyone! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have just been so busy adjusting to the roll of mommy! We have been doing great. Ryder is such a sweet, easy going little boy. Hes a snuggler though. He does not like to be put down, but I have to let him fuss sometimes. He has to learn to sleep on his own. He is pretty good during the day, but as soon as we put him in his crib at night he is restless. We swaddle him and play his sound maker for him which helps, but all he wants is to be rocked. So to temporarily solve the problem we put his Mommaroo in our bedroom. I hate running it all night since it was expensive, and I dont want it to die on us. He just wont sleep unless he is in motion. I think it has a lot to do with him being gassy. I think he also gets intestinal cramps. Poor baby. I had the same tummy issues when I was a baby. Thank god he does not have colic. I see all my friends on FB who have babies with colic. They don't sleep a wink. Ryder normally only wakes up once a night to be fed and changed. I don't know what we would do if he kept us up all night. I guess we got a little spoiled. Hes such an angel. Not only is he super good he's also ADORABLE! I swear I have never seen a cuter baby. I know im probably just being biased since he's mine, but that dosnt matter. To Jared and I there is no comparison. He is such a good mix of both Jared and I. from the eyes up he looks like his daddy. Then from the nose down he looks just like me. Im just dying to know what color is eyes are going to be. Im hoping they are Jared's. Mine are just brown. Boring. But Jared's are hazel with a bunch of green in them. They are beautiful. I could go on and on about my little family, but my baby boy is waking up so I have to go feed him. I hope everyone is well and I will post again as soon as I have a little free time.

Lauren

My labor story

Ryder is FINALLY here! My labor happened out of no where and so fast. I have not had the time to get on here and update everyone like I had originally planned. But from experience, nothing goes as planned. So here's the story.
                I woke up the morning of the 4th feeling fine. We had to wake up early to take some of our good friends to the air port. We arrived at there home at about 8:30am. I had started to feel some light contractions. Nothing very painful, just aggravating. By the time we made it to the air port about 45 minutes later my contractions had become incredibly painful. We were on our way home and I was hurting so bad I was in tears. Jared was very worried and wanted to head to the hospital immediately, but we had just gone in the night before and the nurse had told us then she didnt think I was in labor. I did not want to go back in just to be turned away again. I had been timing my contractions and while they were very painful they just were not consistant enough. Or so I thought. We made it home at about 10am. I went immediately to our room and laid down in bed. Jared came in and it shocked him that I was laying in bed crying because I was hurting so much. He was demanding we leave and go to the hospital but I refused. I then rolled over to get up and go to the bathroom. Just then I felt a "pop" and suddenly warm water was running down my leg. I rushed into the bathroom thinking maybe the baby had kicked me in the bladder, but no the fluid continued to run down my legs. So we grabbed our things and rushed to the hospital. We made it to the ER in less than 10 min. We were standing in line to check in and suddenly i felt another gush and then another. My pad that I had put on before we left the house was now completely soaked and I was leaking all over the ER floor. I made it to the front and told the receptionist that I needed a towel since I was standing in a puddle of amniotic fluid. Several embarrassing moments later we were up in our room in Labor and delivery. The nurse checked me and she confirmed that my water had broken. She also told me that I was only 3cm dilated. I was in so much pain. I was begging her to give me something. She told me I was not far along enough to receive my epidural but she could give me IV pain meds. I agreed. They gave me the medicine through the IV. Five minuets later I was on cloud 9.I later found out that since I am so little the normal dosage amount of pain medicine had been a little to much for me. To put it bluntly I was stoned. I dont remember a lot of my short labor. I remember progressing incredibly fast and still feeling a ton of pain. Finally the anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural. Jared later told me I was so out of it my gown had fallen off and I was sitting on the bed naked and the nurse had to put it back on me. Jared also told me I repeatedly called him an asshole. I dont remember any of that lol. Well I got my epidural at 7cm and in less than 20 minuets I was 10cm and ready to push. To my disappointment I had progressed so quickly my epidural did not have time to kick in. I pushed for an hour and felt it all. Definitely not fun. But finally my sweet little boy was here. It was so emotional. Even Jared cried a little. Now we are home and I could not imagine a life without him. Ryder is my little snuggle bug. I love him more than anything. I will keep everyone updated on how he is doing and the milestones he reaches. As always thank you for reading.

Lauren