Hello everyone!
I am sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have been so busy with Ryder, getting ready for the new baby, and not to mention the holidays. Today I really wanted to address something that has been incredibly bothersome to me for a while now. I need feed back and opinions. So here we go.
What makes your marriage happy and successful?
Jared and I have been battling a lot of financial stress lately, which sadly has turned our once happy and exciting relationship into a battle ground. I don't think we have gone one day with out some kind of argument. It has been eating at me for a long time. Last night I broke down on the phone to my best friend. I just started talking and all my frustration and anger came flowing out. I was hysterical when I finally got off the phone. I am scared for my marriage. I am scared of what could happen if, god forbid, It didn't work out. Where would I go? I am a grown woman with two children. It would be a huge blow to my self confidence if I had to move back home. I am scared for my relationship with my husband. He has been my best friend (male best friend) and rock for nearly ten years. When we got married we promised each other we would be that old couple from the Disney movie "UP". I am also scared for my kids. I don't want them growing up like I did, with mommy and daddy hating each other. It was a horrible feeling to have as a child. I don't know what I would do if my boys were forced into that situation. Lastly I am scared for myself. I took a huge blow emotionally when nursing school didn't work out. I felt and still feel like a huge failure. It keeps me up at night. Not only do I feel like I let myself down but also my family. I don't know how I would handle a train wrecked marriage on top of everything else. There has just been so much fighting and pointing fingers. I am at a complete loss for what to do. I hate that I feel this way, but I constantly see or hear my friends talk about something sweet there husbands did to surprise them. Like bring them home a card, flowers, or a surprise date. Well I cant even remember the last time Jared did something like that. I haven't gotten flowers from him since my first mothers day two years ago. It makes me feel so unimportant. Even after everything I do. Nothing. I don't ask my husband to do a whole lot. He works. I stay home, but that dosnt mean I don't work. I raise our kids, I do the dishes, cooking, laundry, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, vacuuming, and organizing. With out me this house would be a disaster. But still I get no recognition for all that I do. I have been feeling so unappreciated. On my 24th birthday Jared ran to walmart grabbed me a card then at check out a 15 dollar Itunes gift card. While I was great full for the gift, I was still angry. I always do everything I can to make my husbands birthdays special. Last year I made him his favorite chocolate cake, bought a card, then we out and got him a brand new tool box filled with tons of craftsman tools and a new drill. He had no idea I had done that. He was so surprised. That is why I was so angry. I don't feel special anymore. My gift was so impersonal and required no thought at all. The year before that he didn't even bother to get me a birthday gift. Instead he told me my kitchen aid mixer that we didn't even pay for was my gift. No card, no flowers. Nothing. I hate that I feel this way. I feel so selfish even thinking like this. But it has all just piled up these last few years. One disappointing birthday, and mothers day after another. I have even talked to him about this and even cried over it. But I have gotten no where. He dosnt know how to be romantic.
The last thing I wanted to mention was the financial stress we have been under, and how it is affecting us. About three months ago we were forced to purchase a new AC and heater for our house. It costs us $6500 dollars and we had to take out a loan for it. So in order to pay for it I took on a job at home. Things were fine the first couple months, but then the job ended. Now I didn't have to have the job to pay for our AC it just really helped things not be so tight. Now that I am not working I have cut every last non essential thing out of the budget. I don't swipe the card but maybe twice a month now. I don't do things for myself. I sit at home and do nothing. But still we have bearly been able to make ends meet. So finally I went on the bank statements. I knew Jared had started tobacco again but I never realized home much he actually spent. There were at least two transactions a day for either coffee or tobacco on base. I was so angry because Jared and I got into a huge fight over me spending 30 dollars on my hair, when he spends hundreds a month on tobacco. So all along the problem hasn't been with me. but I still was receiving the blame for our situation. Even though i don't swipe the card. As you can tell its been a lot. I didn't write this to bash my husband. I love him with all my heart, but I am at a loss for what to do. When we talk bout this it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I dont want our marriage to end. I made a promise when we got married, and I intend to keep it. But we need help. I need advice. So please let me know what we should do. I have been on my knees praying to God to guide us in the right direction. Any and all advice would help, and most of all keep us in your prayers during this hard time.
I know what you are going through, except the financial situation is opposite for us. I nickel and dime us and my husband gets pissed. What we did to help us was read financial books together. We sat down and planned out a budget for ourselves. Maybe he feels attacked when you talk to him about it? It is hard to approach something like this in a loving way because you are so heated about it, and I understand. I would try to sit him down and discuss what is going on. Maybe he doesn't see it clearly enough. As for him not bringing you flowers and whatnot, my husband does not really do that either anymore. I also go all out on his birthday and Christmas and whatnot. I just see it as a guy thing now. I have friends whose husbands do exactly what you said, surprise flowers, dinners, etc. I just learned to stop comparing and he will do it on his own time. If not then I will tell him every now and again what I want from Victoria Secret or something and he usually ends up getting it when we have a little extra money. But I totally understand where you are coming from and I hope communicating and him actually listening will help out! I know, easier said than done, but it is worth a shot? Keep trying. If not suggest counseling. Counseling is good for not only marriages in a crisis, but healthy ones to get a new perspective. Hope this helps a little(:
ReplyDeleteWe used to be in this same boat. Ryan and I do not have the most perfect marriage in the world, we have our bad days, but I will say that we have a wonderful marriage and a great relationship. Our marriage used to have a lot of arguments and tension in it until I read the book "Love and Respect" by the Eggerichs, and then I really started getting into what the Bible says about how a wife is to be to her husband. I stopped looking at Ryan, I stopped looking at what he did wrong, or what he didn't do to make me feel good or appreciated, and I started doing everything to just please the Lord, and I started looking at just myself and how I could become a better wife. The thing that I read the most about in the Bible that wives, most wives, including myself, have an issue with is nagging. I remember in our first year of marriage, I nagged a lot, I nagged about money he would spend, I always got onto him about how he didn't help enough around the house, about all his underwear I had to pick up, always reminded him there is a thing called a laundry basket, nagged about how he wasn't appreciative enough of what I did,about how I was tired, and worked too, and how I didn't always want to cook. I remember him telling me it isn't even pleasant to come home to me, or that I sound just like his mom, and he mentioned he was afraid that our marriage wasn't going to last. I remember at the time it really hurt me to hear those things, and I didn't want to be a mom, I wanted to be a wife.. But really the one who needed a fix was me, I started to see why it wasn't pleasant to come home to me. I was always picking at his faults. God's word says for us not to be like this.I didn't understand at first, and then I read the book "Love and Respect" I read a few other biblical books on womanhood and marriage,"Becoming God's True Woman" by Nancy Leigh Demoss and also "The Fruitful Wife" (My absolute favorite) by Hayley Dimarco.
ReplyDeleteBeing married and in a Godly way is to do everything and sell yourself out for the other person. I used to feel so unappreciated and Ryan was never really romantic at all, until I started shutting my mouth, praying for him a lot, never mentioning anything that bothered me, and just love served him like crazy. It wasn't until I started doing that that I started seeing changes in him. I picked up his clothes and underwear without a word, I cooked dinner, made desserts, made him feel special, never complained about money, just took it how it was, and prayed for him, and wow the changes I saw. I did everything to just love him. I did his laundry and folded his clothes and put them away nice and neat because I loved him and saw that loving him meant that I wanted him to have nice clean clothes and all put away nicely for him, I wanted him to have a nice yummy meal, because I loved him and did it without complaint and I didn't see what I could get out of any of these kinds of things but just to love on him. I pray each day that the Lord helps me to not complain and just serve the Lord and serve my husband. Our finances used to be awful girl, and yes, it was Ryan's fault, I respectfully say that. I stopped nagging him about it, I trusted the Lord for it, I prayed for him and asked the Lord to change his heart about things and help him with wisdom about finances, and sure enough.. Change came about. I never even look at our finances anymore, Ryan does it all, and he is doing great. Sometimes he messes up, but I just tell him it is okay, and feeling guilty about it makes us change,just take it as a learning lesson, and tell him that we just trust in the Lord, he always provides us with what we need. Another plus is that Ryan has turned into one romantic, sweet guy, he does things for me, surprises me with gifts, picks me up things he sees at the store he knows I like, like chocolate, brings me flowers on occasion and especially on holidays, takes me to dinner. I am amazed.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't anything I did to change him, I looked fully within to just change myself, and pray for him, and the things that bothered me and the Lord did the work. And Ryan isn't perfect, I am not saying all of it was my fault, a lot of it was his, but just turning it just to me, and just changing myself, wow, how it did so much to change our marriage. I'm not pointing fingers at you by no means, please don't think that at all. I am just sharing what changed our marriage, because we had these same issues, and I am huge on marriage because I grew up in a broken home and my parents divorce and relationship was awful, and the marriages my mom had after my dad, they were horrible too. Another great resource is the ministry "Revive Our Hearts" they have a web site where they have all of their resources on it www.reviveourhearts.com I used to clean house and take care of Peyton with their radio broadcast turned up loud to listen too. It helped me out so much with marriage and womanhood and motherhood, I would clean and ball my eyes out asking God to fix me. I wanted a godly home and a godly marriage so badly, and for our children to see it and live in it because I strived so much to have that also growing up. I hope I encouraged you in some way! Just keep looking within and praying, God always always comes to the rescue! He is a good God!!
ReplyDeleteThese talks have really helped Marks and I Marriage become wonderful. (http://deseretbook.com/All-Eternity-John-L-Lund/i/4631127) It's not easy being married young and have kids. You are amazing, talented, and awesome for choosing to be a wife and a loving mother.You made a huge sacrifice and took on a lot of responsibility. And you can have a wonderful marriage if both of you choose to work on it every day. Being tight on money does not mean you have to be tight on you marriage. There are tons of things both of you can do for each other that are free or very cheap. Here is a link of some ideas. http://www.thedatingdivas.com/. make a list of things Jared could do for you to show that he loves you.
ReplyDeleteExample- doing the dishes
write a sweet little note
watch the kids for 2 hours
randomly bring home flowers
give 5 complements.
Take this list and put it somewhere he will not loose it
I put mine in Marks wallet.
Have Jared make a list for you too.
Set a goal to do 3 to 5 things on each others list once a month.
Mark and I did this to help us know how the other one likes to be loved. It took a little bit of reminding to get it started, but now mark will bring home flowers randomly, takes out the trash, and my sink rarely is full of dishes. And I rarely have to ask him. But it didn't start out that way.