Hello everyone!
I am sorry it has been so long since my last post. I have been so busy with Ryder, getting ready for the new baby, and not to mention the holidays. Today I really wanted to address something that has been incredibly bothersome to me for a while now. I need feed back and opinions. So here we go.
What makes your marriage happy and successful?
Jared and I have been battling a lot of financial stress lately, which sadly has turned our once happy and exciting relationship into a battle ground. I don't think we have gone one day with out some kind of argument. It has been eating at me for a long time. Last night I broke down on the phone to my best friend. I just started talking and all my frustration and anger came flowing out. I was hysterical when I finally got off the phone. I am scared for my marriage. I am scared of what could happen if, god forbid, It didn't work out. Where would I go? I am a grown woman with two children. It would be a huge blow to my self confidence if I had to move back home. I am scared for my relationship with my husband. He has been my best friend (male best friend) and rock for nearly ten years. When we got married we promised each other we would be that old couple from the Disney movie "UP". I am also scared for my kids. I don't want them growing up like I did, with mommy and daddy hating each other. It was a horrible feeling to have as a child. I don't know what I would do if my boys were forced into that situation. Lastly I am scared for myself. I took a huge blow emotionally when nursing school didn't work out. I felt and still feel like a huge failure. It keeps me up at night. Not only do I feel like I let myself down but also my family. I don't know how I would handle a train wrecked marriage on top of everything else. There has just been so much fighting and pointing fingers. I am at a complete loss for what to do. I hate that I feel this way, but I constantly see or hear my friends talk about something sweet there husbands did to surprise them. Like bring them home a card, flowers, or a surprise date. Well I cant even remember the last time Jared did something like that. I haven't gotten flowers from him since my first mothers day two years ago. It makes me feel so unimportant. Even after everything I do. Nothing. I don't ask my husband to do a whole lot. He works. I stay home, but that dosnt mean I don't work. I raise our kids, I do the dishes, cooking, laundry, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, vacuuming, and organizing. With out me this house would be a disaster. But still I get no recognition for all that I do. I have been feeling so unappreciated. On my 24th birthday Jared ran to walmart grabbed me a card then at check out a 15 dollar Itunes gift card. While I was great full for the gift, I was still angry. I always do everything I can to make my husbands birthdays special. Last year I made him his favorite chocolate cake, bought a card, then we out and got him a brand new tool box filled with tons of craftsman tools and a new drill. He had no idea I had done that. He was so surprised. That is why I was so angry. I don't feel special anymore. My gift was so impersonal and required no thought at all. The year before that he didn't even bother to get me a birthday gift. Instead he told me my kitchen aid mixer that we didn't even pay for was my gift. No card, no flowers. Nothing. I hate that I feel this way. I feel so selfish even thinking like this. But it has all just piled up these last few years. One disappointing birthday, and mothers day after another. I have even talked to him about this and even cried over it. But I have gotten no where. He dosnt know how to be romantic.
The last thing I wanted to mention was the financial stress we have been under, and how it is affecting us. About three months ago we were forced to purchase a new AC and heater for our house. It costs us $6500 dollars and we had to take out a loan for it. So in order to pay for it I took on a job at home. Things were fine the first couple months, but then the job ended. Now I didn't have to have the job to pay for our AC it just really helped things not be so tight. Now that I am not working I have cut every last non essential thing out of the budget. I don't swipe the card but maybe twice a month now. I don't do things for myself. I sit at home and do nothing. But still we have bearly been able to make ends meet. So finally I went on the bank statements. I knew Jared had started tobacco again but I never realized home much he actually spent. There were at least two transactions a day for either coffee or tobacco on base. I was so angry because Jared and I got into a huge fight over me spending 30 dollars on my hair, when he spends hundreds a month on tobacco. So all along the problem hasn't been with me. but I still was receiving the blame for our situation. Even though i don't swipe the card. As you can tell its been a lot. I didn't write this to bash my husband. I love him with all my heart, but I am at a loss for what to do. When we talk bout this it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I dont want our marriage to end. I made a promise when we got married, and I intend to keep it. But we need help. I need advice. So please let me know what we should do. I have been on my knees praying to God to guide us in the right direction. Any and all advice would help, and most of all keep us in your prayers during this hard time.
